…it’s time…

yeah, yeah, yeah.


i know i need to write, if for no other reason than to exorcise everything that’s stuffed up in my brain that i very rarely leak–except in some scattered notebooks somewhere and in rare circumstances here….otherwise, all 40 years’ worth is compacted in this grey-maned skull of mine…i know i have things to say, experiences to share, ideas to challenge that might help others who have found themselves in my situation….things to say that are (or should be) part of my vocation, part of my mission, as if i have been called to stand up for those of us who have been treated as “the least of these,” who have lived lives of pain and confusion and hurt…who have been abandoned by those who profess to love [or don’t know how to love] them… who have inadvertently hurt others in the wake of trying to survive …. who might be emotionally stunted or exhausted trying to be something they will never be instead of being everything they have been created to be….


…to show them that they can indeed survive …that they can grow (daresay flourish)…that they can still experience God’s love…that they can receive forgiveness…that…


they can live.




so today the running ends…time for me to write. share. trust. let it go.




uhm…where to start? 



18 thoughts on “…it’s time…

  1. Might I be so bold as to make a suggestion?

    Start with a bit of background information. It’d be helpful to understand what your religious upbringing (and your upbringing in general) was like. Was the topic of homosexuality ever discussed in your family or church? If so, how? How did you first discover there was even such a thing as homosexuality?

    How much time did the church(es) you grew up in focus on the sinfulness of man? Did you go to the kind of church that preached that every little sin had to be confessed and repented of in order to get into heaven, or were things more lax?

    Answering these kinds of questions would help set the stage for better understanding your personal journey, the choices you made, and the struggles you’ve had, I think.

    Of course, that’s just one possibility. Feel free to disregard if you feel inclined. 😉

  2. well, jarred, nice to meet you, too.

    and thanks for being the one to go ahead initiate this blog with the first mention of homosexuality LOL.

    and quick! lest i offend anyone, i am not ashamed to call myself gay! but as grace knows, i have to take things slowly. first admitting it, then trying to deal with it, later actually coming out, and now, talking to the “world” about it.>

    the “where to start” was kindof rehtorical. i do plan to delve into my background, revealing myself, my journey, my life–but not all right away. this is new territory for me.

    i do have a lot to say. i actually look forward to sharing my struggles not just so others can gain insight to the choices i’ve made, but also so that maybe someone else who has lived (or is living) an unauthentic life might gain some encouragement. i also have some pent-up bitterness that might be eked out into the blogosphere.

    so thanks for the suggestions…and the dialogue. i look forward to opening up my life as well as getting to know you too. now i’m gonna go read your blog! (i mean get to work!)


  3. haha

    well how COULD you possibly know since i’ve revealed so little of myself! you only know what you’ve seen thru grace’s appraisal of me.

    no worries. i do appreciate the interest, guidance, and conversation.


  4. “…who might be emotionally stunted or exhausted trying to be something they will never be instead of being everything they have been created to be….”

    this couldn’t make better sense in my head.

  5. Thank you for starting a blog! I need to have my Todd fix and know what he is (you are) doing. I’m so glad. I will be stalking it, so post all the time or I’ll get antsy. 🙂

  6. T-dub ~ brave step. You write with emotion and precision, I really look forward to hearing more of your voice. I pray that this is a healing experience for you. I think it helps to get it out a little bit at a time, so that the emotion of it all isn’t quite so overwhelming.

    Tuned in ~ Curlz

    PS: How is it that you have such a unique blog template straight away? I’m pleased that I’ve merely learned to upload pictures!

  7. a little background for those of you reading along, suzanne is an old friend of mine who started parenting the same time my first wife and i did. she’s a amazing writer and i have observed her incredible transformation as she has liberated herself and lives our her potential daily.

    …on a farm.

    but anyway, like Grace, Suzanne has been on my butt to start a blog for some time now.

    and to you, curlz–thank you for the kind words. sometimes i wonder if now it’s just more of overcoming my laziness (or, complacancy) than my cowardice…?

    as far as the design–i did research on different blogs (ones that offered me flexibility, allowed me to express myself through design (one of my many hats) and creativity, and were free. WordPress had several templates i liked and they let me insert my own header which was as important to me as my first post–not that the visual impression is that important…. ok yeah, well, i haven’t changed that much. YES IT IS.

    anyway….i’m also a bit of a technology geek too. don’t let the closet full of shoes, plethora of skin care products, and depth of my writing fool ya. hahahahah 😉

  8. TDub this is great! Love the way you’ve set this up, and I very much look forward to what you have to say.
    I’ve learned a lot from Graces blog and have gained a much better understanding of how to better relate to my ex wife after coming out. We remain very good friends but it took some time to get there.

  9. Mark–thanks for the compliment.

    yes, Grace has taught me a lot both while we were together and now that we have gone our separate ways. i think there are probably a lot of men who were living a life similar to the one i was. thing is–she got it all along and only ever wanted me to be happy.

    i’ll blog more about our experiences in hopes that others can find encouragement for their journey toward an authentic self–in whatever lifestyle they may live in. i look forward to hearing more about your story, too.

    [oh–cute dogs and i LOVE the brown paint! :)]


  10. Thanks TDub, finally finished painting the living room yesterday….on to all the others now!

    I’ve often thought about a blog myself (personal/about my story) not only to benefit others, but a form of healing for myself. I guess I don’t have the courage!

    We do have a lot in common for a portion of our individual stories from the therapy/counceling sense.

  11. hey mark! so wait…you have a blog, right? just not one where you share stuff about your story? why are you afraid of doing it?

    personally, i think i’ve been afraid of a bit of judgment–particularly from people who are still bitter that i abandoned my marriage and grace. also, i know people who know us will read this and i have been reluctant to let them in on my side of things. partially out of hurt; partially out of a desire for privacy.

    but i’m not ashamed. i am finally me. and i have a lot to share. so…yeah.

    i’d be interested to hear your journey…and particularly your journey to try and get “healed” … [rolls eyes].

    how about a lil blog entry from you?! 😉

    [gosh Grace–look what you’ve done to me!]


  12. My current blog is really just to keep friends in Dallas updated on whats been happening with Patrick, me and the pups. We don’t get back often to visit. I guess I feel like my story and journey would be better suited seperately posted. Does that make sense?

    My life is pretty much an open book at this point and I am not sure where to fear is coming from.

    I am not ashamed of who I am either…..totally happy with me for the first time in my life.

  13. hey mark… i get it now; your explanation makes your blog make more sense. so maybe you need another one?? haha [grace gave me a little more insight…by the way…we should talk.]

    it’s exciting to finally not be ashamed of who i am (altho the “way” things happened still cause me a bit of guilt.)

    i mean, heck there’s always room to grow… to make sure i’m not wasting my “gifts”… or the benefit of my story…

    i may be feeling a bit ashamed for just taking a nice long break from all of that….


  14. I totally agree…”always room to grow”. 🙂

    I can tell you have a swift wit and a great sense of humor! I not only contemplate when I read your posts, I also chuckle!

    I am not quite sure where or what to start blogging, but I sure have been giving this blog thing a LOT of thought this last week! Maybe it is time to dive in as well………..(still hestitation persists, can you tell?).

  15. hm.

    swift wit? great sense of humor

    wow. what’s not to love about blogging?!


    seriously, i’m sometimes not as funny as i think i’m being when i write. so…thanks for the affirmation.

    and i guess since my arm has been twisted so unmercifully about blogging, it’s only fair to pass that onto someone else…?

    say uncle or write dammit!!!

  16. whooo-hooo!!!! and that made me feel so much better to twist someone else’s arm bcz mine had been twisted!!! LOL

    so everyone (all 3 of you), you can read Mark’s blog here.

    i know this guy has a lot to say…and i look forward to hearing it.

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