damn this blog

you know, it’s bad enough that i’m old enough for my body, which is in a particular rhythm during the work-week, to wake up at freakin 630 on a sunday morning insisting that i do it’s bidding. (i’m sure you know what i mean.) but…how frustrating is it that when i go back and lay down next to the best, snuggliest bed buddy ever, my mind decides to think about–not the menu for brunch today (one of my favorite things to do on a sunday…and oh the older son’s girlfriend is coming over this morning after we drop off the younger at church in town). not the need to call and try to negotiate a lower interest rate on my credit card. not the concern of finishing shooting pix of the clothes i’m gonna try and sell on ebay. and not the need to finish editing the husband’s final paper for his grad class in historical research.

ok, obviously i’m thinking about these things. but these things alone are not enough to get me out of bed, out of his embrace (which is also one of my favorite things about Sunday mornings). often, he wants to get up early on a sunday to work on the yard or get groceries before everyone else gets to the store or the younger son’s ride to church falls through and i have to get up to take him–which is just infuriating to me.

what’s actually propelled me out of bed?! it’s this damn blog! thinking about what to write about. wanting to get up and actually write. and ok maybe wanting to log in and see if anyone’s replied.

 so…7:15 on a freakin sunday morning, i oblige my mind which will not go back to sleep and leave the warmth and comfort of my bed. i take my laptop outside, start some classical music and sit out here…view from the back porch


…listening to the crows have some kind of fight across the river…listening to the other unnamed bird freak out somewhere behind me….hearing the 70-year old neighbors rustling around their yard (wow. i’m up with the old neighbors.) catching the spendor of a blue crane flying over the river…hearing the fish occasionally jump up out of the river…….watching the birds finally eat out of the husband’s feeder (GOSH he would be so excited to see it but for whatever reason he’s still in bed asleep)…

sunday morning birds

…hearing the wind blow through the trees. (it finally rained last night and for texas in almost july, it’s amazingly mild…just 69 degrees…wow. it’s usually like already 90 degrees by now!)

my goodness it’s a beautiful morning …. and today–maybe for the first time in a couple years–i worship. not the kind of worship i was accustomed to for 35 years of my life prior to coming out….not a worship that my dear mother of almost 80 would ever endorse (although the kind i think my late biological mother would totally get and is smiling down on me, maybe even worshipping with me….) but the kind where i hear the symphony God has created for me to enjoy…reflecting on my own comparative insignificance and yet being reassured of how very significant i am to Him…realizing my many, many blessings.

so…i guess this blog isn’t so bad afterall.

while i may gripe about being up at 7 a.m. on a sunday morning, i am reminded of the words of Cicero,

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.

(ok, i’m not really this deep; the quote came in a daily quotes email i get. this one did happen to come today.)

but, all good things must come to an end…time to get up and be a dad and husband. run into town. make breakfast. edit that paper. however, i’ll do it with a reassuring outlook that my God–the one who fearfully and wonderfully created me in my mother’s womb 40 years and 7 months ago, who made me blonde (allowed to eventually go grey dangitt), creative, goofy, loving, occassionally smart, and yes, even gay–loves me just like i was always told he did. after 38 years, i guess i am finally living like i believe it now.

have a blessed day.


PS: trying a co-worker’s monkey bread for new addition to sunday brunch today. yum!

7 thoughts on “damn this blog

  1. After reading Pam’s Willful Grace for such a long time, it is good to finally hear your voice and read your stories through this blog. Welcome to the blog world……sounds like you are already an addict. lol

  2. You live in a beautiful area.

    I have to admit, however, that I’m troubled by the fact that you were compelled to get out of bed for blogging. It’s a strong sign that you may be joining the rest of us in Bloggers Anonymous rather soon. 😉

  3. rick: thanks for the comment and interest. i hope my “voice” is concordant with the voice of grace she exudes…and honors the grace i have been shown!

    and yes to you and jarred: i think i may have a problem. admitting it is the first step, right?! 😉


  4. Niiiiiice view! Thank you for sharing your heart, I felt like I was right there with you worshipping. I cannot help but breathe in His grace and beauty when I am soaking in His creation. It’s so easy to do this with the soft breeze rustling the leaves overhead, drinking in the sunset as it reflect off of the glassy lake view or listening to the birds sing after an afternoon rain, but to love his human creation in this same way – to worship Him because of the life of people around me or myself for that matter (just as I am), not so easy. Your realization of His love for you has been another gentle reminder of His love for me, for you, for ALL – thank you.

  5. my view of “worship” has been greatly challenged in the last 2 years. already growing dissatisfied with the type of worship in my conservative “not a demonination” church that i attended my whole life i turned to other methods of “trying to be open to God’s voice”…which was all tied up in my ex-gay therapy as a means to and end of my same-sex attractions when that all proved to be a lot of CRAP bcz the answer was just being open to God. Gay or not.

    …but i digress.

    so i’ve taken a huge break from church (read that: religion), obviously. (i wasn’t kicked out; i left when i “came out” and they let me go. and my children–but that’s another bitter story.)

    i am still very bitter about “religion” and never being taught “spirituality” and about never taking the initiative to explore my spiritual self.

    i regret how complicated i have made being spiritual.

    i did not learn to appreciate the quiet. that worship could be just as i was experiencing every sunday of my life (duh).


    NONE of that was really authentic anyway bcz i never loved myself in the process.

    i think it may all start there. (“ya think,” i can almost hear grace saying!)

    OK … this is sounding much like a blog post.
    jarred will be thrilled. grace will be so proud. i’m gonna go hit the blog-a-holics anon site and post a plea for help soon!)

    so… i’ll close here.

    thank you, curlz, for your friendship on this journey. it’s such a blessing how God places people in our lives.

    blessings // tdub

  6. I am really,…well almost anxious to hear your story. I think you have taken the much braver path. I have still not actually admitted to my ex-husband that yes, I had an affair and yes, I am indeed living a same-sex relationship. It’s not like he doesn’t know, but there has been so much anger from him and hurt…we only speak when necessary. I have actually only told three of my four children outright, but still not using the words “I’m gay.” “I’m a lesbian.” I guess I don’t view myself that way,…I love a woman. But truthfully, I find it difficult to imagine being with a man at this point. I feel I could keep running on, so I will save it for my own blog. But I do so appreciate hearing your experience, especially with God. I want so much to believe it’s true,…to believe that I can stay in this loving relationship with MB, and have a very meaningful and loving relationship with my Father in heaven ~ Curlz

  7. braver path?
    girl, i was terrified. i had no idea what i was doing. i only knew it was survival. and when i say the whole thing came out sideways, i mean it came out sideways. it was awful. and considering that, it’s a miracle that Grace and i are ok…and that she doesn’t hate me (more of a testament to her than anything about me.)
    i guess the thing for me though was a decision to stop running. to stop hating myself. to either believe i was fearfully and wonderfully made and act like it or go on living a lie.
    i think i’m finding out that this God-thing is actually a lot less complicated than i had made it.
    dunno tho. still working on all that. 🙂

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