the “old” Todd


i don’t know how it is for other bloggers coming up with posts. being new to all this, i guess i planned to treat it like any other “project”…organize it, come up with a list (I love lists!)…and start writing about each topic down the list.

for the last few days, i’ve been trying to decide which “item” on my list to write about next.

  • my background?
  • my religious upbringing?
  • coming out?
  • why do people want more Cowbell?

which would Jarred want to hear first? and of course this thot has ever been on the back of my mind: “what if I get tired of this.” hm.

but I’m discovering some advice Grace gave me after i finally let her convince me to take this plunge:

“just be yourself” and “let it happen.”

and as usual, she’s right.

ok so yesterday, i get a comment from someone whom i love as i would a daughter (if i had one). she wrote,

I miss you todd… the old you

the “old Todd.” wow. there’s a thought.
the old Todd.   [shudder.]

and a post was born.

what strikes me most here is that to my knowledge, this dear young woman—who I know still cares for me greatly—hasn’t taken time to get to know the “new Todd.” the fact that I am gay and sleep with a man are not the only hallmarks of “new Todd” (just as “being gay” does not constitute the whole of my identity) and gee, there’s actually a lotta “old Todd” here too. (ok, ok good and bad 🙂 )

i think i know what she means, though. she, like many people in my life had a front-seat view and was an active participant in my life as she grew up. gosh there were some good times back then—even through all the hard times! and when she left for college and her “new life,” i missed her but always wished her well in whatever direction she was going, confident she would be true to herself and her dreams.

i guess, though, she, like many, never really asked herself if during all those years whether i was being true to my self. [unbeknownst to everyone, i certainly never had been!] beyond the anger and bitterness associated with abandoning Grace (which was really about me asking her to let me go to save my life not me just picking up one day and leaving her…but the whole thing just came out sideways in the worst possible way), the reactions i got included,

  • “he is lost…”
  • “confused…”
  • “troubled…”
  • “…you’re welcome back here among us when you realize the error of your ways…”
  • “…feels like a member of our family has died…”
  • “…hope you don’t get AIDS…”

and my personal favorite,

  • “there’s nothing sadder than an old gay.”

and pretty much overnight, the body of people I spent 95% of my time with outside of my family (who to their great credit stood by me through an awful lot) buried “old Todd.”

[gosh, there’s a whole post here about the isolation i have felt and losing my faith in religion…which is not such a bad thing…and how i feel like my particular religious upbringing indoctrinated me with the idea that to care for someone’s soul is to focus on their outward actions as proof of their faith/obedience/happiness instead of learning their hearts and loving them as they are along their journey.]

to my young friend’s credit, she has made effort where i have not to remain in touch— letting me know she graduated; that she found a great job as a teacher, a vocation I’ve always known she would excel at; and letting me know that she met the fortunate man she’s going to spend her life with—despite the pain and confusion it obviously still causes her.

it’s poignant how few, save one or two, have ever acted interested in the pain of the “old Todd” or even inquired of the “new Todd.”

[gosh, there’s a post here about the five men to whom, with great trepidation i would of my own volition finally confess my struggle with “same-sex attraction disorder” (the nice, clean name my therapist gave it), looking for support from them, and how once i “gave up the fight”, i’ve never again heard from four of them and only from the fifth during one day-long email dialogue.]

beyond Grace, there have been a few rare exceptions.

  • the friend who immediately upon hearing what was happening texted me saying, “duh, you are the same person” and would later reassure me, “you can lean on us. we are a soft place to fall when everywhere else gets weird. we love you regardless of who you were trying to be, who you are, and who you are becoming….this is about being who God created, regardless if it does not fit in [the churches’] mold of perfection … a few of us loved you even when you wouldn’t.”
  • one college-aged young man—whom I, as a youth leader, have had the pleasure of watching grow up and had a front seat as he tried to “find the calling of his heart”—was, like many, shocked and confused by my decision to come out; to his credit, though, he did take the time to not make it about “him” and sit down with me and ask me about my journey. to try, as hard as he possibly could, to wrap his mind around my choice. to ultimately remind me that even though he didn’t understand (or even really agree), that he loved me and prayed for me. And to frame his words with authenticity. [Oh and he is 19.]
  • the loyal friend of 18 years who, despite some very real pains of “loss” as a consequence of the way my life has changed, has taken very deliberate steps to preserve our friendship, to try and keep a dialogue with my children (when the rest of the church completely abandoned them, yet another post), to even sit down and get to know my husband, assert a kind of love I imagine Jesus having.

but these few—and i am not exaggerating their infrequency—are the exceptions. most people who knew the “old Todd” have, from my perspective, chosen to act as though he is in a grave somewhere (literally and certainly spiritually). to act as though the new one—who is still in the same community, who dresses the same, who shops alongside them at the same wal-mart (I hate that place), who volunteers at the same school functions—does not exist. (yes, i know this is more about them than it is me…) i dunno. maybe they can’t let the memory of “how wonderful” the “old Todd” was (as imperfect as he was) in order to try and even begin to understand who the “new Todd” is (as imperfect as he remains).

but again: the “old Todd?” Ew.

i mean…sometimes, sure, i long for days gone by.

  • do I wish my first wife had never left me and my sons? sure.
  • do I miss the wonderful Christmases and gatherings in the old crooked house with Grace and our 4 kids? absolutely.
  • do I miss some of the friends and relationships and sunday taco bueno and the princess and egg rolls and musicals and retreats? without a doubt.

but…

“the old Todd” … not for a second!

i don’t want that life again, under those pretenses, with those requirements and expectations, with few willing to befriend my authentic self. me pretending to be who I wasn’t in order to be accepted only IF I WAS A CERTAIN WAY is a place I never want to visit again.

to be sure, i had to lose a lot to get where i am. but…what did I really lose? i guess that’s what I’m processing.

i know unequivocally that God loves me and that i don’t have to do “things” to receive his acceptance–or anyone else’s for that matter! i have a deeper, more honest relationship with Grace than I ever had while we were married. i model authenticity to my sons instead of wearing a mask of faux self-acceptance. i have a relationship with someone that beautifully suits my natural affections. i have received far greater acceptance and compassion from people outside “The (capital T) Church” than i had ever judged possible which has humbled me. and dangitt—for the first period in my life, i kinda like me!

the “old Todd” indeed!

and i think if people really knew me…if they really knew my heart, they wouldn’t begrudge me for being “a better Todd.” a “happier Todd.” a “healthier Todd.”

a Todd with a more genuine purpose.

and crap. a buttload of posts to write now.

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26 thoughts on “the “old” Todd

  1. which would Jarred want to hear first?

    I’d just like to say up front that I actually cringed when I read that question. I realize you were being funny, but still….

    most people who knew the “old Todd” have, from my perspective, chosen to act as though he is in a grave somewhere (literally and certainly spiritually).

    You know, I can totally identify with that sentiment. I remember too often listening to my sister comment about how I wasn’t “the brother she used to know.” She had trouble accepting the young man I had grown into. And this wasn’t just limited to the fact I was gay. She had trouble dealing with the fact that I wasn’t the (hyper-)sensitive teen who would just about fall apart at the slightest criticism any longer, either. It was quite strange and more than a little frustrating.

    for the first period in my life, i kinda like me!

    Isn’t that a fantastic realization?

  2. I would love to get to know the new todd… he has not let me in and got the feeling I was not wanted in. I am pretty sure he would have been the first to kiss my forehead and say Congrats. and “i love you” but I never got that. Instead got nothing which is not the genuine Todd I know. It is not my place to judge nor will I ever. This whole situation left me feeling abandoned when I tried to reach out.

  3. Wow! Lot’s inside your head and heart, isn’t there? I relate to so much of what you are saying…keep being real. I don’t know what more to say besides, “I’m grieved,…” And yet, glad that you are finding new life in realizing you have definate value,…old? new? You are Todd, fearfully and wonderfully made in His image with your own unique set of attributes and characteristics, hopefully always growing – always changing – ever evolving as His child ~ Curlz

  4. ok first to ally….sweetheart….i realized after i posted this that i “used” you to shape something that was already in my head….letting “you” represent “everyone” …. please know the post isn’t about YOU specifically.

    without going into details for everyone, i just remember the first time after it all happened that you and i talked you just seemed so shocked and taken aback by my explanation of how happy i was with “me” … so i figured….time….i was not gonna push me on you.

    i haven’t forgotten you….but i haven’t reached back either… and yes, he would for sure have kissed your forehead.

    thanks for not giving up.

  5. I too had the joy of knowing the “old Todd” and never once even thought of rejecting the “new Todd”! Now, I would like to say that clearly the paths of our lives very seldom cross, and for that, I am sorry and regretful because I have always loved and cared for you, no matter what life you were living! You see, whether you and I agree on our individual lifestyles does not mean that I cannot still love and care for you! You know my heart and you know how I feel, but you also know how I feel about you and have always felt about you! I would like to say that while I totally agree that God loves each of us (as individuals) unconditionally, he does call us to live by certain expectations, in which he set for us! On another note, he also knows that we are human and we stumble. So, while I agree with you about God loving you, I encourage you and everyone (myself included) to take a step back and examine whether or not you are living your life according to your expectations and standards or GOD’S! I have loved you, still love you, and will always love you! And, no, I never meant for my absence in your life to be received as rejection, so for that I apologize!

  6. Not sure if I should comment here or not. I am more-or-less commenting because I just want you to know I am reading.

    Can’t quite think of any words . . .

    Blog should be a place to make this nice and comfortable and impersonal. Should be easy to type some stuff and not get all wrapped up in the fact that we know each other. (I mean really know each other as opposed to people that “know” you because they read your blog).

    Truth is, I am sitting here with tears in my eyes trying to hold it together in my office at work. I keep reading the comments over and over (specifically the ones by Ally and Ashley).

    This whole thing is nuts . . .

    I keep thinking about that 19-year-old you are making reference to.

    I keep reading that word “abandoned”.

    I can’t even think of what to say. I keep thinking I am in some kind of dream (an extremely sad one) and any minute now I am going to wake up.

    I have these pictures of these faces in my mind. Pictures of Ally (and her family) … Ashley (and her family) … AH … you … and dozens of other people. And it makes me want to freakin’ cry.

    I won’t say anything else. Just letting you know I am reading.

  7. JB,
    I know what you mean. It makes me want to cry…in fact…yes…I’m crying now.

    I’m crying because it just still seems like alot of folks (not necessarily you cause i can’t get a good “read” on that from your comment) are making this more about them and how it affected them than about Todd.

    If there was anyone who was oh so greatly affected by this it was Yours Truly. And it sucks. It hurts. It was like having my heart ripped….in pieces….a big chunk here….then let that scab heal over and then another big chunk again and the wound goes a little deeper each time….and then…finally….one last RIP….and hopefully the bleeding can finally be stopped once and for all and healing will come eventually. And I just hoped and prayed and trusted that there’d be something left there to heal.

    But…..even with ALL that….none of this is about ME. It’s just NOT. And I know with all that’s in me that this leg of Todd’s journey belongs to him and I will love him as my brother. I just will. I must. This is HIS place to heal….not everyone else’s place to come over here and let him know how freakin’ hurt they are. I have a really hard time with that after all I’ve been through with the guy….and I can forgive him and allow him to move on and let it happen. Come what may.

    I’m having a really hard time watching everyone else writhe in pain over Todd’s choices. I just am.

    I’m sorry. I really am. Just had to get that out.

  8. Okay. I said I wouldn’t say anything else . . but you know me.

    Had to respond to Pam.

    Pam,

    I hope you know that I mean this with respect.

    A blog is not a place to heal. At least not a good one. But, even if it is a place to heal, part of the whole deal is that people are going to tell you what they think (or feel). If people want to “come over here” they can (as long as Todd enables their comments). So if you put it out there with an open invitation, people can writhe all they want. Which brings me back to my first point about a blog not being a good place to heal.

    Unless, of course, hearing how people are hurt is part of healing.

    I know you have done your fair share of hurting. You have also done your fair share of writhing. Difference between you and everyone else is that you were married to him and were forced to work through this stuff immediately. (And, of course, the intensity of the situation hit you hardest). This is not to minimize anything. I mention it only to point out that if people want to work through this stuff, it will take a lot longer than it did for you.

    And Todd opened the door . . .

    And I am hurt by Todd’s choices. And that it the first time I have ever admitted that. I also carry around a lot of guilt over the situation. I don’t just hurt for me, though. I hurt for him. I hurt for other people. I hurt for you. I hurt for the whole screwed up situation. I have bent over backward not to make any of this about me. I don’t claim to be more hurt than anyone else (especially you), but if we can’t admit that Todd’s choices have caused us pain, then what is the point of friendship anyway?

  9. Todd ~ my heart aches for both you and Pam when I read the above comments…I’m wondering how you are doing through all of this…sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to lean into the pain, press on, move forward in your journey despite the words, thoughts and inclinations of others. Praying…waiting…hoping for you…

    With love in Christ, Curlz

  10. I responded to JB privately.

    but….just so everyone here knows….I don’t agree with several of his statements in that last post.

    1. I believe a blog can very well be a place to heal…and a good one.
    2. Yes, if you set it up…people can writhe in pain, dance a jig, or do whatever the heck the person allowing comments will allow. Doesn’t mean I can’t express my feelings about their particular writhe or the jig they dance. Didn’t say they couldn’t writhe….just that it would probably be more beneficial to them if they’d set up their own blog for that sort of thing. And yeah…I did that. In fact, I still do it occasionlly…writhe in pain over at my OWN BLOG. And…it’s been GOOD.
    3. I think it’ total BS to say this should take alot longer for other people than it has taken for me. There’s so much I could say to this…that I”ll just shut up…cause there’s just too much.
    4. I’m most sorry that it’s taken you over one whole year to admit out loud (and on a blog no less) that you are hurt by Todd’s choices. Of course you are….but…a year?

    Good thing he wrote this blog, huh? I think admitting that to him could be a very healing thing for both of you. Even though there are probably better ways to heal…this is what we’ve got. A blog.

  11. Pam, weel said, this may not be the ideal place for healing in full but…”this is what we’ve got. A blog.”
    The whole blog thing starting with yours has put me on a really good path to heal a lot of wounds I’ve ignored for the last six years.

    The most inspiring is how EVERYONE reading can learn is how you and Todd can relate to one another in the aftermath, I mean come on….what a testament to the whole situation!

    I say press on!
    My arm was twisted a little and I was encouraged to write as well.

  12. a reply to ashley:

    (and sorry for the delay…my internet at home was down the whole holiday weekend and at work i’ve actually had to … work!….and I’ve wanted to take my time to compose my response.)

    to an extent, i regret making anyone feel singled out by my postings on this blog. however, causing people to think while i am thinking is not necessarily a bad side effect of me sharing my story.

    ashley, i do not doubt the sincerity of your love … i hope you know that i have always loved you since you were a little girl and always will…

    thanks to happenstance and target, our paths did actually cross. i thot your behavior and the way you talked to BOTH of us—leaving out the whole “whether you and I agree on our individual lifestyles” issue—was a testament to your Christ-like nature.

    to me, that’s what it’s all about, really. see, in my mind’s eye, i like to think if Jesus saw me and my partner in Target, he’d treat us much the same way. [of course that’s a silly thought; Jesus would definitely be at wal-mart or the dollar store. but that’s another topic…] i for one think that’s a lot more effective way than the whole “expel the wicked brother from among you” approach. [ouch, sarcasm. i couldn’t resist.]

    however, to you and anyone else who might also be “taking a step back and examining whether they are living life according to their expectations and standards or God’s,” i hope we’re all considering the conduct of our hearts. it’s one thing to tell someone you love them; quite another to show it by our actions. the excuse of “failing to cross paths” in a day and age of email and cel phones is hardly plausible.

    i’m glad to know your absence is not borne out of rejection; however, for so many in my situation (and their children), that sentiment is certainly uncharacteristic of reality.

    thanks for reading.
    thanks for caring.

    tdub

  13. to JB (and others of you reading along and apparently, according to my blog stats, there are a lot of you…)

    ok first of all, i’m glad to know you’re reading. you are more than welcome to comment or to just be there. i hope after the exchange you and grace have had here, you will still want to process thru this along with me.

    i was moved by your initial response. it may seem sadistic, but it’s nice to hear you still care. it’s been just over a year since our last conversation and i still read from time to time what you wrote me then as you struggled with what had happened in the wake of my “departure.” it’s nice you’re still on the shoreline…waving….waiting. that means a lot.

    soon, i will more fully explain my intentions for this blog. For now, i want you to know it’s not some vendetta i have for you and a particular church. it’s not to make you or anyone else feel bad. and it wasn’t so that it might help me heal although that’s a by-product i’m convinced may occur. it’s really just to process what’s happened. offer my experience for the benefit of others. to grow. to leave a record of my growth, i hope.

    and so here you are. reading along.

    …telling me, er, the blogosphere, that you are hurting…
    …that you have guilt…
    …debating about whose hurt is easier/quicker to heal…

    JB, i really am sorry i’ve caused you (and many others) to feel pain.

    i also regret there’s been such little shared processing about all this pain everyone’s supposedly feeling. thank goodness pam blogged her way though it and that i started this stupid blog or who knows when we’d be forced to tackle all this. i know facing it all isn’t easy…

    and yet i agree with grace: a year is a lot of processing with no dialogue. when we still live in the same town. when somehow you randomly get an errant text message from me and we still don’t take that as an opportunity. when we still have each other’s email addresses and don’t use them. (to your credit, you were the last to reply in our may 2007 conversation.)

    but yeah, now i have a blog. i hope to see ya around although the last couple posts have been kinda rough.

    and one final comment. you asked, rhetorically i’m sure, what the point of friendship was. i was beginning to wonder if there was any friendship left.

    someone said this about friendship: “…some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come into it for a season…”

    which kind are we?

  14. to Curlz…

    sweet sister: thank you for your compassion for us.

    it’s kinda odd how even though she and i are no longer married, we are closer than ever and able to work through all this very much on the same page. incredible, really. (thanks, Mark, for your sentiments on the matter!)

    there is purpose in opening up this journey for others to see—i just know it. that makes any pain experienced along the way seem inconsequential. (most days.)

  15. oh and to jarred…

    how’m i doin? you wanted to know more about me…is this doin’ the trick? 😉

    and yes, the realization was truly fantastic! of course, some days the “old Todd” is there in the mirror, staring back at me. [and i don’t just mean the one with grey hair.] so sometimes it’s a daily struggle. but just like i try and tell the boys from time-to-time: fearfully and wonderfully made.

    fearfully and wonderfully made.

    tdub

  16. Hi Tdub!

    I’m a long-time poster over at Pam’s site.

    I have read your poignant post and skimmed some of the comments here. I can relate to a lot of this process. The truth is “old Todd” is dead — or what really amounts to an image of Todd that was projected to the world. People came to know old Todd, and when he ceased to exist, he died. There has to be a mourning process. I know because “old Robert” had to die too, and even though “old Robert” never had a wife and kids, the image friends and family had was pretty strong.

    “New (and Improved) Todd” will be more interesting, more open, and more fulfilled than “old Todd” could ever be.

    Take care!

    Robert

  17. Hi, Todd,

    I realise that only as someone who “knows” you via the blogosphere and not in “real life” that perhaps I’m not qualified to comment much on the process of becoming the “new” Todd.

    But I did just want to say that I think you deserve great credit in the way you have dealt with a difficult situation with feelings running high, in the follow-up comments you have made. I feel humbled to read the gracious way you have handled this, because, as no stranger to internet disputes (largely in email discussion lists), I know that I’m all too prone to writing something in haste that I’ve later regretted 😦

    Since the time I decided I wanted to have fellowship with gay Christians, I have met people whose faith is truly inspiring, and from whom I can learn a great deal. I count you among those who are teaching me ways to be more Christ-like.

    I am sorry for all those who are hurting over this whole affair. Each person’s pain is unique to themselves, and needs to be dealt with and processed. It is my prayer that through this (admittedly imperfect) medium of a blog, that some of this processing of stuff, that you very much want to happen may indeed take place.

    Take care,
    Iain

  18. to Robert

    i’ve thot a lot about that post…. the way you describe people’s reaction to the “old Todd” is spot-on. i like to think that Todd is continually improving, getting better, is healthier, etc. maybe instead of “new Todd” it’s Todd. 4.0? (40, get it grace???) anyway, thank you for the encouraging words and sharing your experience!

    to Iain

    thank you for the compliment about my “gracious comments.” however, if you follow willful grace closely, you may want to take your words back as my comments there to another poster were, i’m afraid, less than gracious. “new Todd” indeed. 😉

    i appreciate hearing from a Christian who “wants to fellowship with gay Christians.” such a foreign concept to me. and i am sincerely humbled that you think my behavior Christ-like. at best, i’m a very, very pale imitation. but i am trying. i too remain hopeful that this processing is beneficial to us all.

    thanks for walking on this journey with us…

    tdub

  19. Todd,

    Just to say, of course we are ALL, at best a very pale imitation of Christ, but that doesn’t stop us from striving to be so, and learning from each other!

    Best,
    Iain 5.0 … do I feel old or what??

  20. Sorry for the delay in a response, but I would like to say that while it may come off as an excuse (the excuse of “failing to cross paths” in a day and age of email and cel phones is hardly plausible.), that wasn’t my intention. That was a reason! I’ll admit it was a pathetic reason, but still a reason! But, now you have my email and I would love to stay in touch! It is a two way street, so feel free to travel it anytime! Love you and hopefully I will be talking to you soon!

  21. hey ashley.

    first–thanks for the sweet comment and for the reminder that staying in touch goes both ways. point taken. i look forward to hearing more about you and your life and happenings and catch up on the fam.

    second–and i hope this doesn’t offend–but our conversation–at least some of my comments in response–were really not about you at all. the “email/cel phone” comment really was a broader indictment on how many of us (self included) could do a better job of staying in touch. apparently, as i am realizing, pain makes communicating kinda difficult.

    anyway, thanks again for reaching out and letting me know (reminding me, actually) where you stand.

    blessings to you and yours.

    tdub

  22. Last week while sitting on the beach in Florida ( I know I shouldn’t rub it in, but I can’t help myself!), Ashley told me about your blog. She and I talked about some very special memories between our families and since then I have thought about whether to respond or not and because I do continue to love and care about you, I decided to do it. I hope you will be able to hear the love I have for you and the extreme care I am taking in choosing the correct words to express my heartfelt feelings to you.

    You and your boys have been a part of our lives in what seems as forever. Our family has watched you grow from a high school boy into a husband, father and grown man. Needless to say, like many in our church, we have been a part of your life for a long time. We have known you for a long time. I feel it is important to say that while we have known you for a long time, our lives have woven in and out of each others lives over the years. Depending on where we were in our lives…What was going on….What I am trying to say those times years are not that different than today.

    Over the years, we have all been through many many trials and tribulations. Your life has had many ups and downs, just as ours have. I hope you haven’t forgotten how many people rallied around you and your boys during every one of those times. Not just once, but every single time. Please don’t forget that! Don’t let your current situation over shadow the over abundance of love that has been shown to you in the past. None of us are perfect and all any of us can do is get up in the morning and try to be a better person today than we were yesterday.

    To respond to your comment that we “buried” the “old Todd”….where have you been in my life? Do you know what has been going on with me? No, because you have waited on people to reach out to you. I could easily say you buried me…..It is real easy to sit back and wait on others and blame them when you don’t feel like they are treating you the way you feel they should. I know first hand, because I have done the same thing. If you’ll remember a few years back we had a situation where we felt our church wasn’t supportive and it hurt. It was very hurtful and disheartening, but the reality was, people didn’t know what to say or do. The reason I know this is because when we decided that we had to reach out, they told us they didn’t know what to say or do. Once we made the step, we realized we were the ones getting in our own way. Not the other way around.

    As for you being gay, so what….big deal…you and a lot of other people are gay. Do I think it is a sin?….not for me to judge….I have to deal with my own soul and I will gladly let you deal with your own. Do I feel the scriptures speak to it directly? Yes, but the scripture speaks to everything directly. Again, I have to let you work out your own soul with God and I know you will gladly let me work mine out with Him. Everyday brings a new challenge for each and everyone of us. We have to wake up every day and remember to love one another as God intended.

    To say that we the Church with a capital “T” abandon your boys is spiteful. I know I don’t know all the details of the last 2 years, but come on. Abandoned? I could easily say you abandoned me in my time of need. Did you know that when you were “coming out” that my dad had a stroke and died? Did I hear from you…NO I didn’t. Where were you? The last 2 years have been tough for me and my family as well. Do you still have my phone # in your phone? I still have yours (Todd Wonderful). Have I called you? No, but you haven’t called me either. My intent here is not to be hurtful, but to remind you that in every situation we can always find a way to point the finger at someone or others. The bottom line is that time flies very quickly, our lives are moving along each day and going in different directions, but the bottom line is we do still care about one another. Before you know it a day has turned in to a year or two and you didn’t intend for that much time to pass between the last time you connected with someone, but it has. What do you do about it? If you want it to be different, you change it. Do something about it. You know where I am and I know where you are. The door is open for you and I hope you will open the door for me.

    Your life is very different today than it was 2 years ago and with the difference came many changes. With changes, you can’t always pick and choose what stays the same. This is a life lesson I have learned and while it may not be my favorite lesson, it has been an important one.

    So….having said all that….I love you and miss Todd (no old or new), just Todd.
    CM

  23. Todd, I could not stop reading your blog last Friday evening. I am so very PROUD of you brother. I fell in love wiht you years ago and my feelings hav enever changed, and for the old Todd vs the new Todd, well… in my eyes and heart there is no difference. You are still Todd… My FRIEND… My BROTHER…

    God created my not to JUDGE but to LOVE, and Brother… I LOVE YOU!!

    Serving Him,
    Chican4817

  24. Love your blog, Todd. I love reading about your journey and that you see that God loves you through it all. He sees us through every minute. What more could we ask for?

  25. wow Jana…i’m so honored that you’ve taken your couple hours of free time to traipse through this silly thing…! i really just wanted you to see the latest news about me and my discovered family!! hahah

    but reading back through this… it reminds me that i need to blog an update about the “new todd” and how he’s doing and how many new and wonderful connections he has made along his journey of continued self-discovery….

    i hope you know you’re on that list!

    and yes, what more could we ask for?!

  26. Pingback: here’s what an “old gay” looks like | uhm…

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