what did i expect?
i tell how i feel and pretty much the feedback from people who i’d “lost contact with” (yes two-way street, i hear ya) is one of the following:
- telling me how i hurt them and how i didn’t make an effort to keep in contact. yeah, yeah, yeah. i hear ya…
- just more silence
since i started this “adventure,” i’ve gotten a couple of comments and a sweet letter from some women that at their root were very well intentioned and one post from a male friend who is obviously still struggling how to talk to me and/or process how he feels. i’ve gotten an email from another female friend that i keep a printed copy of out my desk to read from time-to-time because it’s just so the epitome of Christian love. and i’ve had some great private dialoge with grace. (altho some of the comments from one of her readers did frustrate me quite a lot!)
the thing is—i’m not writing to get anything from anyone. i’m just telling my story. for better or for worse. i guess i didn’t know what to expect…i still don’t.
so why am i frustrated?
i have replies i need to make–several started–and more things to share…
but i don’t want to right now.
is it because i’m really busy? ok yeah i’m busy but i have some spare time for writing.
is it because it’s painful? nope. not at all. regrets surface, but it’s actually very helpful to work through them and establish some dialogue.
i think the roadblock is struggling with saying what i think and feel without wondering/worrying if i’m going to offend anyone. i have some very pointed and specific things to say like other commenters seem unafraid to say in their comments to me. (i think that just means we’re all still really close friends to be able to do that.)
(of course i did jump back at JB that lady over at grace’s blog so go figure.)
grace says i need to quit worrying about what other people think (within reason of course) and just write/say what i feel as that’s the purpose of this blog-thing. maybe it’s just that the experience is exhaustive?
but i’m gonna go ahead and post bcz i haven’t posted in a while and i need to. i need to say SOMETHING in the interim while i try and decide what [else] to say.
so i will hit the “publish” button and not worry about how random this post really is.
Random is a good thing. And I’m inclined to agree with Grace. You need to quit worrying so much about how people take what you say. But I can also relate to how difficult that is to do. I often worry about much the same thing.
Hey Tdub! I knew that some of the comments had been a little troubling and honestly, they are bound to be to some degree. Anyway, I have been thinking about you and wondered how you where doing.
I agree with Grace as well. No one should worry about how anyone else perceives what the writer is experiencing personally. Feelings, hurts, etc. can’t be something in others control. I don’t know any bloggers who set out to cause pain or hurt intentionally, and I don’t think you’ve done that.
I have had several people in the past tell me to just get over it, it’s over and done. It is sometimes just not that dang easy.
Feel what you are feeling, write when you want to, and know that sharing that always helps someone else down the road. Whether it is to avoid something you’ve lived, or to at least know they are not alone.
I for one will always be reading yours and Graces blogs. I grow from them both. I am proud of both of you!!!!
P.S. Your post isnt’ random at all!
I get the impression that you are afraid that people will judge you. People who say you’ve hurt them do seem to be judging you.
I’m guessing (only guessing – I could be wrong), that the people who say you’ve hurt them were closely involved in supporting you and Grace through the struggle & that they wanted fervently for things to turn out differently from the way they did. They probably prayed earnestly for that different outcome.
In a way, I can relate to that. In my own life, my wife and I were involved in a long-term and quite intense support situation with a couple who were good friends (the situation was quite different, and nothing to do with SSA). Despite all our most fervent prayers, struggles, anguish and tears, the couple we supported for all that time eventually decided on a course of action that we felt was totally misguided, and as a result of our honesty in saying what we thought about it, they got quite hostile towards us, and, to be honest, it ruined the friendship. Things will never be the same because there is a fundamental disagreement, which the couple involved can never come to terms with.
One day, after a particularly nasty encounter with the husband, I was absolutely fuming and upset & went for a long walk to try and talk it through with God. Towards the end, the thought came to my mind so clearly that I felt it must be from God, as follows:
“The person you are angry with is hurting far more than you are”.
What it told me is that I had no right to go telling them that they’d hurt me, because my pain was trivial compared to theirs. (And I can assure you it was – they were both, at separate times close to suicide).
Now, I know that you and Pam have been through absolute misery in arriving where you are, and if the word I received (in quite a different situation) can be of some help to those who would tell you how you’ve “hurt” them, then this post will have been worthwhile.
In the meantime, let me say that I’m willing to listen to your story, at whatever time, and whatever pace you want to tell it; and as someone less directly involved, I’m not going to judge you.
How’s that writing coming along?! Looking forward to hearing more from you. I cannot imagine your situation as I am quite anonymous to all but MB. Take care, Curlz
Your feelings and observations — and those of people who have known you for years — are all normal parts of the “coming out” experience. Many people may have a hard time reorienting themselves to you and your new life. This takes time. I can say from experience that things will continue to get better for you and those who care about you (but who are still getting used to the idea that you are sharing your house with another man).
curlz….i haven’t fallen off the face of the earth…i promise! 🙂 i’m getting there. hope you are well. i need to catch up on your blog.
robert: thanks for the reminder. that helps me retain perspective as i move forward with my life. not everyone is the same place at the same time. and that’s ok.