new year, new family


so: many of you know about my wildly dysfunctional childhood/teenage years/young adulthood/midlifehood…. but during all this time, my blessings [continue to] outweigh any of the bad times–including both the kind inflicted on me and the kinds borne out of my own ignorance and inflicted on others…. much of my life, though, i’ve felt as though i were living out the gay white male version of  “antwone fisher,” except without a lot of the anger and heartache…i’ve wanted to find my bio-dad, mostly out of curiosity, to know my medical history, to find out if he would like me or would be someone i liked…cuz you know: all i want in life is to be loved, particularly by a father (and i’ve lost just about all of them i’ve considered that way…) but for one reason or another, i’d put it off. (a few months back, the aunts had started searching on my behalf. one had posted on an ancestry Web site.) much of my desire to find him had been quelled by a rich but all-too-short-lived relationship with my bio-mom who i miss so dearly (but who is still watching over us, smiling, laughing, and drinking a diet coke) and with my little brother who i esteem and love above all except my sons. but now and then (even yesterday as a matter of fact), i’d think about finding my “dad.” i had thot of him, this genetic contributor, before and knew he had at least some daughters. i’d dreamed he’d be grandfatherly by now, living near his girls and grandkids. (wow how wrong was i?) but little did i know that today, my “dad’s” other children–INCLUDING another brother (who’s gay too!) would find *me*…. i think it was by way of the post that my aunt made that they tracked her down and then tracked me down. “they” being 4 children–5 of us total, from 4 different women. he is not in a really active relationship with any of them. is not at all grandfatherly appearing–save the grey hair and robust tummy. and is not particularly accomplished. …except with regard to his procreation skills, giver of the red-hair gene, and having some of the most awesome human beings (insofar as i can tell from 2 of ’em) that i could hope to ever have as my sisters and brother! and i think the most moving thing of the night was when my brother told me he’d told his sister, “we’ve found him….” how sweet is that? they were looking for me. that feels so good! ok those are my initial thots and reactions. i’m sure there will be more to come… at least maybe it has me blogging again. (we’ll see.)

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2 thoughts on “new year, new family

  1. Todd… It was so great to talk to you last night and to see you writing down some feelings about this whole thing. I find it much easier myself to express myself through the written word than verbally. Although, you yourself appear to be facil in both areas.

    We obviously share some of the same feelings about the situation. Here’s To New Beginnings! Cheers!

    • it is very exciting…
      and as far as expressing myself, there are just so many ways hahah
      (i’ve been told some of my facial expressions are even MORE potent than my words LOL)
      and sometimes i get carried away. i’m surprised you could get a word in last night!

      YES…to new beginnings and family…!

      awesome!

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