for a few days now, a fear inside me has been growing. much like that of a little boy who’s anticipated his first
rollercoaster ride for months, only to dread it as the moment of truth approaches. an “intellectual” fear versus an actual threat.

and today, I made someone very close to me feel bad because I was afraid.

what the f ish?

ok so…I’ve been getting to know this boy now for a few months. he’s never done one thing to hurt me. has never called me anything more than “mean” and even that was done with a wry smile. he has never made me feel un-lovely or threatened or unsexy or anything but beloved.

and he is so kind.

then why am I afraid, you may wonder, and why the f ish would I say and do things to make him sad?

apparently, I am afraid that he is too good to be true and that his reason for being in my life (an occurrence I truly believe ordained by the Universe) is for but a season, destined to end sooner rather than later.

“he can’t be in love with me forever.”

“he has hopes and dreams that a settled life with me will null and void.”

“he needs to grow and needs the room to do it.”

and did I mention I’ll be 50 in less than a decade?

I am most Certainly NOT afraid of loving. ask anyone who is or has been in a relationship with me and they will tell you i love with abandon.

they will also tell you (or you may have read here) that I thrive on a certain amount of control. so because the post-8-11 Todd refuses to ever control another lover, I will try to control the fear I have by responding to things that may not even come to pass. (Thanks for pointing that out, @J1970K.) I will take control! I will address them! I will justify my reasons for doing so. and above all, I will demand a response.

what if he grows past me?
what if he misses his activity so much that he later leaves me?
and worst of all: what if he chooses ME over his activity and then, years later, if the relationship no longer holds its appeal, he resents me for the choice he made when he was too young to know better?
and, God-forbid: what if I get old? (you have to admit, 17 years his senior is a lot of years to consider.)

so because I am afraid,
I declare to him–mere hours after we are finally free of the rigorous demands of his activity, that I love him too much to ever hold him back from participating in said activity, even if doing so takes him away from me geographically.

more drastically, I declare to myself that I can only handle a relationship
on MY terms–as a pre-emotive strike of sorts (akin to bathwater, baby down the drain) in the name of Self-Preservation–before I’ve even given him a moment to respond.

this relationship is one of the best I’ve ever had. (This is
lifetime #5.) except for a couple ripples here and there (I’m now leading 3:1), there is no drama. there is no suspicion. there has been one “back-turned, edge-of-the-bed hugging” bedtime.

there is kindness. genuine love. organic affection. and reciprocity.

tons of it.

but because I am afraid…
because I fear a lack of control…

because if I am to be alone eventually anyway…

then it must be on my own terms…
which is the wise, loving Me looking out for the best interests and welfare of a man far too young to be able to judge affairs of his own heart for his
own self.

how genuine of me.
how caring.

and oh: how brave.

at this very moment, we are each a few thousand miles above the US, jetting toward the same destination.

I am writing this now trying to extrapolate all the things in my head.

I’m quite certain he is just as confused as I am–except he is likely trying to understand why I was so brash and “mean” and hurtful when he was wise enough to hold his tongue until well thought out words developed.

I sit here contemplating that my behavior–a vain effort to “protect” us both–may have caused one of us to reconsider changing destinations long-term, before we even get to spend a Friday night out with friends or Saturdays working in the yard or easy, uninterrupted Sunday mornings over brunch by the river.

everything else considered, this boy deserves much more than the weakness my fear has thusfar presented.

he deserves patience.
and time.

which I will give him.

that is, if I didn’t already make his mind up for him.

I have Never been afraid of rollercoasters.

why, all of a sudden, am I now?

up next: the foolhardiness of distrusting the Universe and rollercoasters I love