is 2010 really gone?

not my best year but by far not my worst.

i made some progress.

and I backslid some, too.

in review…

• i extradited myself—finally—from a misguided and deeply toxic relationship and found myself in a much better space [physically and emotionally] having done so, despite the costs to and regrets experienced by all involved.
• i embraced new family: 3 sisters, a brother, 2 brothers-in-law, some cool dogs, and [vicariously] four beautiful nieces to go along with the precious family bonds I already have through sons, a wife/friend, and a little brother.
• i fellowshipped with my aunts—more true, honest-to-goodness authentic family—and basked in their love (as well as some California sun).
• i energized my work groove and turned in a pretty solid year—ok a freakin’ incredible year—for a 22-year veteran.
• i invested time and energy toward my relationship with this boy i met in late 2009 and have been immensely blessed through his strong, gentle love.
• i deepened relationships with some of my closest friends—co-workers, tweeps (translation “people from twitter”), people I knew as children who are now wise young adults, and people I’ve known for decades (ouch)—reminding me me how supremely i am blessed that they are in my life (and how much I love wine!).
• i tapped into the idea of “energy” and how its flow affects everything around and in me, prompting me to eradicate negative energies (thoughts, ideas, people) and focus on positive ones (friends, concepts, Glee, boyfriends). this single pursuit has—as much as anything—been the biggest, most significant change in my life this year.
• i discovered a desire for a future—a life, even—that I had not allowed myself to dream about and began to speculate and conspire on how to achieve it.

i talked a lot (surprise.) I talked about a new walk that I have tried to walk, albeit inconsistently…about the “universe” (much to one particular friend’s chagrin) and how I believe it directs me, influences me, guides me…to friends about how to they’ve gotten to a desired place in their lives.

but I didn’t do a lot.

true: i listened and loved and learned and wrote—but not nearly enough.

so as I prepare to mark the passage of a year and the start of another, I think about the reality of “not nearly enough.” not as much as i should have. not as much as I could have. and how often I’ve found myself here at year’s end.

related to a blog post I wrote earlier this week, it is time—two score and two years into my life—to become serious about

• exploring my potential…about heeding what the Universe has planned for the time i have left in this body
• stretching myself and growing beyond the shallow potential I’ve been living out
• sharing my story and the oft-hard-earned lessons I’ve learned
• facing my fear and stepping outside the easy…the trite…the comfortable.

all has not been in vain, however; at various times in my life, I have tried to improve.

earlier this afternoon, my youngest son asked me:

“Todd, do you do those new year resolution things?”

my response?

“nah. I don’t believe in those.”

that’s a lie. the truth is: I’ve tried but chose to stop trying.

I’ve tried to improve my body and minimize the effects of aging to become the projection of my own much-desired ideal of masculinity and youthfulness. (lessons learned: 1. my once-brilliant metabolism officially declined at age 41.25. b. I love chocolate and cheese and bread and waffle fries and hummus more than ever. 3. gym memberships and skin care and haircolor are expensive. iv. physical appearance is important but not the most important attribute of my Self. and 5. I’m kinda damn hot just like I am.)

I’ve tried to get serious about exploiting some talents I have and living out my purpose. (lesson learned: fear is a real buzz-kill and if I am to fulfill my destiny it must be eliminated!)

I’ve tried to find “God.” (lesson learned: love has never really left me.)

I’ve tried to find fulfillment through relationship with a lover. (lesson learned: trying to love someone—particularly the wrong person—to feel complete or so much that you lose yourself only causes pain to all involved, particularly to one’s Self.)

and I dawdled. I wasted time. I tried to hide. I made excuses. I avoided truth. I got bogged down and comfortable in the Easy and Unchallenging.

it’s time to mature to another level (tho I will not stop coloring my hair).

so yes. it’s time to put into practice things I have learned, stop allowing fear of the unknown and the comfort of right now to control me, and focus on tapping my potential and doing more with my Self.

I believe that the key to this is to pull together things I’ve always known, concepts that people have modeled for me, ideals that have eluded me through settling and shallow thinking.

it is through development of the 3 key facets of my Self:

• my mind.
• my spirit.
• my body.

to resolve to become a little better each day in one or more of these areas.

more on this on my first 2011 post tomorrow but my hypothesis is that

• by narrowing down and categorizing everything in my life as it pertains to one of these core categories
• by being transparent about it (i.e. this blog), and
• refusing to be lazy and settle

…i can succeed and—even if calamity, sorrow, or heartache occur which they inevitably will—I can look back one year from today and say that I have improved—grown, even.

it will take time. it will take focus. it will take patience—particularly from those who live with me. it will take commitment. it will take good energies from the people whose lives I am fortunate enough to touch.

but it is simply…

…time.