happy to be me.

there are so many reasons i love twitter, for how it expands the circle of friends and experiences i can learn from. here’s another reason why.

about a year ago i was in a conversation with a former tweep (@TweetwithStone) about several things. i no longer remember what we were talking about. anyway, the conversation must’ve centered on me discussing the toxic nature of my previous relationship and the  nature of trying to “change” people from gay to straight.

anyway, this post has been sitting in my draft folder, just waiting to be shared. hopefully it will be of help to someone who needs it.

from Tuesday 23rd February 2010

if you’re gay, you’re gay. and there will be liars and bad ppl and ppl who will hurt you on EITHER side.

and all men are NOT bad / liars / evil. we’re not all bad.

and the ex-gay ministries, etc.: even the APA says that’s bad to try and make ppl change….*and* talk about FULL OF LIARS AND BULLSHIT…he thinks the gay world is bad–that world is worse. TRUST ME.

And FYI: the secret to being ex-gay is not a miracle. not a cure. it is simply people who are WILLING to change their mindset and live with it and WILLFULLY live a str8 life, deny/hide/bury their desires, perhaps learn to appreciate new desires…but my belief is that they’re never really no longer gay.

stone provided some extra reinforcement to what i already believed. see, i myself could not change. i just couldn’t. the miracle i prayed for (“cure me from my gayness” or is it “gayoisity”) never happened. or, as a former best friend pointed out: maybe i didn’t really want the miracle in the first place.

he was right.

the miracle i was given, in spite of what i thought i wanted, was this:

i am finally happy with myself.

and i actually LIKE myself. a lot.

no, i’m not saying i’m perfect. i’m saying i no longer dislike myself for this particular part of me that never was what society and religion tried to make me think i should’ve been.

i do believe in the possibilities of miracles and significant changes that defy reasonable explanation. for me, tho, i’m just not convinced there’s ever true conversion from gay to straight. i believe it can be, as my tweep pointed out, willful (reminds me of someone who used to blog) and determined.

but for me, no longer denying my true self not only changed my life. it saved it.

12 thoughts on “happy to be me.

  1. so you see, this is a very profound piece. if enough people
    were to just realise this and embrace who they are, then they would
    stop preaching and taking their frustrations out on the world. if
    we all would just be us and no one else, then the world would be

    • thanks so much for commenting and for your contribution. it really expanded the message.

      you are SPOT ON man.

  2. If there was some machine that could zap me straight I
    wouldn’t do it in a million years. I love being gay. It makes me
    who I am; It’s one of the best parts of myself. And I never had any
    religious angst in discovering my sexuality… I certainly never
    prayed as I never bought the religion thing for the beginning… I
    wonder if it makes it easier to come out?

    • I think society and family can make it hard to come out, irrespective of religion. although society is so strongly influenced by religion but that’s another post for another day.

      thanks for sharing your experience. I, too, like the gay part of myself. tho–it is a harder road.

      just more opportunity to learn strength and character? (:

  3. I agree a change has to be a willful mindset change. I
    remember being in a church where I was “forced” to become straight.
    I remember when I finally accepted that I’m gay, people in the
    church stopped talking to me, damned me to hell, as well as tried
    to speak AIDS and sickness over my life. I think the church places
    TOO MUCH emphasis on homosexuality and not the other sins. Lying is
    a sin, killing is a sin. Is me loving someone a sin?

    • we have been on similar paths my friend. tho I was not “damned to hell” (to my face), I know many who believe I am. out of what many believed was “tough love,” ties with me were severed tho I am just as much to blame for I could no longer live against my nature. (and more than 1 person hoped I wouldn’t catch AIDS.)
      but but not everyone treated me that way even if our day-to-day relationships are not the same. i ran into one of my spiritual “fathers” who could not accept my decision (totally his right) just this week and I could still feel the love in his hug. I know many a pray for and care for me even as they pray for me and for understanding. and there are those whose relationship is just as precious–yea moreso–after a time.
      accepting myself first has helped me better accept others. I regret the collateral damage to my sons, family, and friends but I do not regret the decision to come out fully me.

      I simply cannot.

      for more about my experience not just coming out but coming out of religion, see this old post:


      thanks for your very meaningful comment.

  4. As usual, Todsy, another great post. You continue to
    inspire me to live life more fully and to be ever more proud of my
    true self.

  5. Great post, my friend. I just watched a documentary
    Proposition 8: The Mormon Doctrine (or something like that) and it
    is truly heartbreaking to watch people who are otherwise
    intelligent, thoughtful people, get swayed by the forces of culture
    and religion into believing the cruel, misinformed rhetoric and
    doctrine of the Religious “Right.” People kidnapped, electrocuted,
    lobotomized in the hopes of changing that which God made because it
    doesn’t fit their idea of right and wrong, natural or unnatural.
    With so much hate, anger, and misery in the world, how can the love
    of two mature people be wrong?

    • I haven’t seen that yet but I need to. I never really recovered from the anger I felt of my own “brainwashing” that became apparent to me after watching “For the Bible Tells Me So.”

      thx for commenting and bringing your
      POV to the conversation.

  6. As we all know, everyone is different and no one person is
    the same. So that journey to finding oneself may be as different as
    night and day. But the one thing that we all have in common, is
    that finally being who true to yourself, no matter what that that
    may be, is the best way to live your life. I say, why fight the
    tide, don’t think so much & Let your heart decide. (I think
    that totally is a lyric from song I’ve heard before haha) With that
    said, with all the anger and hatred in the world, its those people
    who take that journey who end up being happiest in my opinion
    because they understand at the end of the process, that its not
    about what people think and their opinion of you, its about what
    they think of themselves. They say you can’t enjoy life or love
    someone else until you do it for yourself. Plus they know, that
    it’s an continuous journey. I leave you with my favorite quote: I
    knew who I was this morning, but I’ve changed a couple of times
    since then….. Well, I hope my ramble made sense…haha. Great

    • so many good thots in your ramble! LOVE IT!!!

      finally “coming out Todd” has been the best thing for ME.

      in his Oprah interview, Ricky Martin said, regarding his coming out:

      “I cried because I felt free. I felt liberated. I felt that I could say that I love myself completely.”

      Exactly my experience.

      thank you, friend.

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