ok so long-time no blog. I suppose since I’m out of magazines 40 min into my flight, I’ll go ahead and revisit the land of the active bloggers.
a lot has been going on since I stopped my daily blogging commitment.
mostly LIFE has been happening–much of it not good–and I’ve been too tired and/or depressed to write.
supposedly, the latter circumstance is the best time TO blog–to exorcise one’s feelings and allow those feelings to find resonance with others.
but i haven’t wanted to do that. I’m still afraid of transparency as much as I’ve suggested i was trying to learn not to be. despite intellectually understanding that people are Already aware of my faults, I’ve protected myself with a layer of ignorance where I believe they do not. I’ve tried to “hide” from my family and close friends and internalized my demons, causing me to hurt someone that loved me very much, experience some degradation of my friendships, and waste precious time. I’ve become lazy and fat(tish). and I’m not really pleasant or authentic. (read: “grinch & fake”)
in a phrase–I’m struggling a Lot.
and NO–I don’t believe this is some “oh I’m seeing what it is when you separate yourself from God” thing.
on the contrary: I’ve said before that I believe–as I still do–that tho I no longer believe in religion (and vigorously so) I DO still believe that God is love and there is still FAR too much Love in my life to deny that Truth.
Rather, I think I again have fallen into my familiar trap of not being true to myself and instead have grown complacent with being in that place where I neither confess my struggles nor seek to Deal with them.
Why do I continue to placate myself with the easy way…
With the shallow and behaviors that get me nothing but more of the same.
I Could blame others–and justifiably in many cases–but they are not at the root of this season of my discontent.
I am wanting change. (no–this is not a midlife crisis and there is no red sports car or hot young blonde.)
yet I’m doing little to pursue those things that will facilitate the change I desire. I know many of the things I know I should be doing and am avoiding thinking about other ways to manage the transition that lies ahead.
I’ve again grown complacent. Sullen. and I’ve Hurt someone I was close to–Mainly because I’m unhappy with who Todd is.
fortunately I no longer believe in the pursuit of Perfection. I am not so. and never will be. that said, I do still believe in excellence–while doing a shit job of pursuing it in just about every area of my life.
how long will I allow myself to yo-yo from one extreme to the other? or is that the way life is going to be? am I destined to be that parabical dog returning to its own … well, you know.
life sucks. that’s all I can come up with right now–which illustrates just how far I’ve backslid.
yet if I try–which I still do–I can name at least 1 GOOD thing for every bad. and I can name one positive change I could make to rectify just about each negative.
but will I do any of them?