self-defeated. again.

ok so long-time no blog. I suppose since I’m out of magazines 40 min into my flight, I’ll go ahead and revisit the land of the active bloggers.

a lot has been going on since I stopped my daily blogging commitment.

mostly LIFE has been happening–much of it not good–and I’ve been too tired and/or depressed to write.

supposedly, the latter circumstance is the best time TO blog–to exorcise one’s feelings and allow those feelings to find resonance with others.

but i haven’t wanted to do that. I’m still afraid of transparency as much as I’ve suggested i was trying to learn not to be. despite intellectually understanding that people are Already aware of my faults, I’ve protected myself with a layer of ignorance where I believe they do not. I’ve tried to “hide” from my family and close friends and internalized my demons, causing me to hurt someone that loved me very much, experience some degradation of my friendships, and waste precious time. I’ve become lazy and fat(tish). and I’m not really pleasant or authentic. (read: “grinch & fake”)

in a phrase–I’m struggling a Lot.

and NO–I don’t believe this is some “oh I’m seeing what it is when you separate yourself from God” thing.
on the contrary: I’ve said before that I believe–as I still do–that tho I no longer believe in religion (and vigorously so) I DO still believe that God is love and there is still FAR too much Love in my life to deny that Truth.

Rather, I think I again have fallen into my familiar trap of not being true to myself and instead have grown complacent with being in that place where I neither confess my struggles nor seek to Deal with them.

Why do I continue to placate myself with the easy way…
With avoidance…
With the shallow and behaviors that get me nothing but more of the same.

I Could blame others–and justifiably in many cases–but they are not at the root of this season of my discontent.

I am wanting change. (no–this is not a midlife crisis and there is no red sports car or hot young blonde.)

yet I’m doing little to pursue those things that will facilitate the change I desire. I know many of the things I know I should be doing and am avoiding thinking about other ways to manage the transition that lies ahead.

I’ve again grown complacent. Sullen. and I’ve Hurt someone I was close to–Mainly because I’m unhappy with who Todd is.


fortunately I no longer believe in the pursuit of Perfection. I am not so. and never will be. that said, I do still believe in excellence–while doing a shit job of pursuing it in just about every area of my life.

how long will I allow myself to yo-yo from one extreme to the other? or is that the way life is going to be? am I destined to be that parabical dog returning to its own … well, you know.

life sucks. that’s all I can come up with right now–which illustrates just how far I’ve backslid.

yet if I try–which I still do–I can name at least 1 GOOD thing for every bad. and I can name one positive change I could make to rectify just about each negative.

but will I do any of them?

15 thoughts on “self-defeated. again.

  1. Was concerned that you haven’t blogged, but I do understand about not writing when you’re in the depths and darkness. I do that same thing so very often. I won’t insult you with platitudes, but as you know, the darkness does leave eventually (and, yes, life does suck — and often!) Hang onto that….and try to keep writing so we know how you are. peace.

  2. think the perfectionist thing is a big thing; i still struggle with that; lov ur blog; would lov to know u better; life does suck; and most of us live in quiet desperation..LOL
    ….if ur struggling there’s hope; caus that’s what it is

    xo guy

  3. Nice to see you blogging again. I was surprised by the sadness of the blog, since I have been enjoying your more recent tweets and FB statuses/photos during your trip to see family this weekend. They have been so filled with joy – so I’m hoping the feelings you expressed in your blog have subsided somewhat…

    • hey J… thx for reading. I’ve missed blogging. yesterday on the plane was the first time in a while that I allowed myself to think about what all it is that I’m feeling … and express it in written words. I’ve gotten lazy (vs. “lacy” as i just mistyped).

      I’m definitely filled with joy being surrounded by my amazing new fam. I’m quite certain that the next post will be much less grim.


      appreciate your friendship!

  4. T, I feel sad that this time in your life you are feeling and experiencing such melancholy, but I am glad you have such a personal outlet like this blog. Reading through the other comments and seeing the people who care for you well being brings hope to my heart and reminds me how much we need a helping hand to pull us through the rough moments of our lives. Don’t forget that. You are surrounded by people who will listen, advise, comfort, motivate or cheer, virtually or not. Whatever you need. However we don’t know unless you SOS. Don’t be so hard on yourself. What happens to you happens to us all. Love, SIS

    • you’re a sweetheart, sis–how i LOVE to be able say that!

      you (and my other siblings) are among the very good things in my life, a blessing which I do not underestimate.

      and in life, as always, this too shall pass. 🙂

      thank you for being so amazing.

  5. wow. again ur so where im at; the self-awarenss u hav already is so great a first step; what u do next is a dilemma; never read such a solid self-analysis as u hav done..

    keep us posted xo guy

  6. I feel ya Todd. I was there a few weeks ago, but I had to get a grip on myself and accept that somethings I can’t change however, in the midst of transitions and going through we learn that trials come to each us. I pray that all will get better because it is already getting better because you admitted a need for something. I love you,
    Be Blessed *BradleyShow from Twitter*

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