ok yeah, lot of directions i could go here.
but here goes.
i am todd whitley and i am single. rather, i am alone.
i was chatting earlier with a tweep and I made the statement
for me, being out of a relationship is what it must be like when an addict has to go with out the booze or heroin…
i suppose that’s why i’m having such a hard time right now. (well, one of the reasons.)
let’s get this clear, though. i asked to be single. i behaved in a way that derives a single outcome. and regret causing pain to yet another good person.
but i’m glad i’m single.
it was time.
in fact, it is time.
but singlehood is about as foreign to me as being straight was.
no wait: it’s even more foreign because at least I had 37 years of practice trying to get that one down.
excluding the my first 2 years of college, i have been single less than 12-13 months in the last 23 years. ONE YEAR single in my entire adult life. the last time was just 2 months.
perpetually out of one frying pan [or other appropriate metaphor] into….yeah.
now: i don’t regret these relationships because each of them—from the first experienced as an innocent to the most recent experienced through the innocence of someone else—taught me something about life.
but for several weeks, i’ve grappled with this unsettled feeling and this hunger i have (careful people). but it wasn’t until about 15 minutes ago that it hit me: it’s been about three months since i became a single and i’m getting that old familiar itch. (NO! not THAT one. OK yeah, maybe that one too.) kinda gettin the shakes, people.
- i don’t like parties of one, particularly in restaurants or in bed.
- i don’t like fifth wheels, especially when i am one.
- and i rue being the awkward single—and now we can add “older”— man alone at the bar or in the movie theater.
i’m learning to do those things and be ok with them. (four weeks ago I actually went to a movie by myself–only the 2nd time in my life!)
actually, I think that was like advanced singlehood stuff—like step 3 or 4 and i did it. but that doesn’t mean i liked it. it was rather like doing something else you can do by yourself but it’s really more pleasurable if you’re doing it with another person. [ok potty-brains: i’m talking about baking! geeze!]
solitude in my household—now i could get used to this. particularly not having to tiptoe around the feelings of a hyper-sensitive, well-meaning but incompatible companion. or one who is violent. been there, done that, have the scars.
but I digress.
i am single.
and I feel quite alone.
i’m resolving each day to accomplish something that puts me closer to goals i have set for myself. what better time to be out of a relationship, to give those things—and the ones who need my attention this next year—priority.
i have close friends but they have lots going on that keeps them more than busy. and i don’t need “babysitting.”
i have this amazingly huge, out-of-state family (CA! NY! NC! FL!) but they all have their own hectic lives. i try to remember that they probably feel as neglected by me as i do them. that’s just how life works. (thank God for The Facebook or we’d never see or hear from each other!)
but it’s not their responsibility to “complete” me, either.
in fact, the great experiment i’m forcing myself to undergo here is learning that NO ONE can complete me.
nor should I expect him to.
i have to find it here
[points to chest]
within my self. and those of you who know me even a little bit understand the struggle this represents.
and when i am ready, the Universe will cause my path to intersect with that of someone truly remarkable, who will bring resonance to my life, flesh to my desire, warmth to my touch, and companionship in my ongoing journey.
[some of you reading this have provided some of this for me through the years—but you know what I’m talking about and i know you won’t take offense.]
so here I sit with my knock-off, homemade Key West Mango Margarita without the mango or the cute little umbrella and resolve that
- i will be single.
- i will remain single.
- and I will be ok.
that I will accept this state and its intended purpose in my life. and do something productive with this time.
heck! i’m almost to Lost season 4!