(click to play the accompaniment track for this post.)

2011 will go down as one of my least favorite years.

ever.

for so many reasons (i won’t bring you down with the specifics), i found myself at times wondering:

can it get worse???

The answer is always equivocally “yes, it can get worse.”

though i can’t imagine how but not wanting to tempt fate further, i will remember that i have

• my health
• an incredible family consisting of 4 amazing sons, our family’s matriarch, a couple of soul-mate friends, and a batch of siblings and aunts who comprise the family i’d grown up always wishing for
• a handful of true friends who continue to stick by me through thin and thinner.
• a job.
• and lest i forget, the realization that many have it worse than i.

i believe life ebbs and flows and that valleys are bound to be encountered when experiencing the varied and difficult terrain of life. being a man of a certain age, i also know that the transition of one year into another will not miraculously reverse the trend of this downward spiral. and i know there can be beauty in and growth experienced from the dark, low places, for it’s far more difficult—but not impossible—to shine down here than when riding the crest of a wave in the happiness of the sun.

as i write this, i already know that 2012 is going to bring significantly more change in my life. some of these changes have been inevitable and some have been my keen focus since august 2010. many of these changes will create sadness or at the very least, melancholy. i’m certain there will be changes i have not even anticipated that will bring sorrow. yet i cling to the belief that the change i desire will also bring much needed renewal, happiness, and peace.

ergo, on the eve of 2012, i close my eyes (literally—thank goodness for nimble fingers and intact non-declarative memory) and dig deeply into my heart and soul, searching for the thoughts and dreams that i know will bring me some amount of solace and recovery.

if my life thusfar proves anything, i will survive—evolve, even—just like i always have. i will hang on and make the best of things—some days because i have absolutely no choice. the will to survive both the circumstances i create and the ones life randomly delivers will propel me onto better days.

i will hold myself accountable for accomplishing the changes i desire to make with my life and for becoming the better man i have the capacity to be.

with purpose, i will remain ever-thankful for the relationships i have with the people i love.

without regret, i will let go of relationships i’ve found myself longing for or fighting to keep that bring me no value.

i will remember that a positive outlook is the only true way to attract positive people into my life.

i will make the most of perceived loneliness and isolation to create an environment where achieving my desired outcome is more likely.

in the wake of fear, i will truthfully and bravely continue to share my story for reasons i may never understand and for purposes i already do.

i will continue to stand and fight, ever more diligently, to make my voice heard and use it to shed light on the shameful ugliness of hate.

i will look in the mirror, past the wrinkles, and doubt, and grey, and ghosts trying to convince me i’m worthless and defiantly march forward into 2012 and the remaining years i’m given, embracing my purpose, willfully creating the change i so desire, and ensuring that it will—without a doubt—get better.

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