i am not afraid. (but i am afraid.)

this post was begun early in the morning exactly 4 weeks ago–on the crest of an emotional high–and titled “i am not afraid.”). it has remained unpublished because i couldn’t find the words or the feeling to complete it. after rereading it this morning–emerging from a painful place–I found those missing words and modified the title.

though distant in my memory, It is a familiar feeling.

at once, it is both exhilarating and terrifying.
enticing and conflicting.
invigorating and frightening.

love–even love lost–leaves traces: from the fluttery first crush feelings to the deeper feelings of desire. its nervous, tingling newness can still be felt, even in the scarred heart of a veteran.

its ability to consume me in both the throes of passion and the depths of heartache confirms i still have enormous capacity for and to love.

i cannot deny that deep down I long for love more than anything. yet I am aware that love requires trust…and letting go…and being willing to risk. to experience love means making myself vulnerable, accepting the lows along with the highs.

yet the fear in my heart is palpable. it beats increasingly with an adventurous sort of anticipation one day, rises with a crescendo as though fear is seemingly vanquished, and throbs from doubt and sadness on another day.

i am afraid and i pause to consider: do i allow Fear to serve as a sentry at the outer gates of my heart isolating me from the possibility both pain…and love? or do i regard Fear as a noble opponent, allowing it to keep me sharp and acutely aware of my surroundings and tapping into the exhilaration it yields.

loving is such a natural thing. and to love someone, so fulfilling.

as i respond to the heightened senses created by my fear, i wonder….

will i be brave?
can i let go?
will i listen?
do i want to afford the risk?

will i love?

previous post: there will be no miracles here.

2 thoughts on “i am not afraid. (but i am afraid.)

  1. Hi TDB, I’m coming to these blog posts late, admittedly. But thanks for writing so frankly. Yesterday May 26, I spent several hours as a guest of an NA recovery friend who was celebrating his big 50 birthday – with his husband of 13 years and a huge gaggle of friends and family. It was about a honestly heartwarming as a similar occasion could ever be. Alone as I am (not to mention, old, gay, sick, and living with the fragments of a shattered Bible Belt USA extended family – I’jm on the west coast for its geographical distance?), I enjoyed the closeness and love shared by all; with twinges of sadness that my own life as a gay man failed to yield anything similar on any of those levels. Soooo … try to be open to love ….. I agree it is scary, but fully worth the efforts …. and BTW ….daaahling you loook mahvelous …..best, drdanfee

    • Thank you for reading and replying. And connecting.

      I have been very blessed to have made the connections I have made and wish for you that very same. I’m glad you did experience that through your friends. I believe it’s never too late for any of us……I’m so glad I took the chance. Again. 🙂

      Thanks for the compliment, too 🙂

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