i woke up this morning with a feeling i couldn’t shake. (not the usual “I don’t want to get up please don’t open the curtains miguel” feeling.) this pervasive wave of doubt has been nagging me for several days now, even through the celebrations of late and all the passions i feel about the work i’m involved in.
today, i got in the shower and i immediately felt this tangible crash of fear: “i can’t do this. i’m not going. i just can’t do it.” i wanted to say it outloud to miguel but didn’t want to verbalize the doubt i was having so i stifled it.
purposefully, as if to bolster my confidence, i donned my fresh-out-the-bag Pacific School of Religion t-shirt I’d received after prospective student weekend. and a pair of bright blue pants for good measure.
then, on the way in to the church building, i noticed the horoscope that auto-posts to my twitter feed. i usually don’t pay attention to the notion of a horoscope–as if the Universe and creation has anything to do with knowing/manifesting my reality [eye-roll at self]–especially if i disagree with it or unless it’s particularly convenient to agree with it.
or, in today’s case, when it’s particularly spot on.
miguel was dropping me off and i just had to verbalize to him what i was feeling; I couldn’t even get to the second sentence without starting to cry–the big ole crocodile kind of tears, too.
i’m behind on everything–my writing, my journaling, my preparation, my transition–all of it. i’m worried about money and tuition, and things at home, and getting a job, and choosing which shoes have to stay in texas, and getting prepared for this class that starts on monday. i am anxious over leaving him, my kids, my friends, my church. and there is so much work to be done here and i feel like i’m just abandoning it and them and everything.
grabbing my leg, he was–as usual–both selfless and comforting and said, “you can do this. stay focused on what’s ahead.”
today, although i am struggling with the reality of what’s ahead, i know what i need to do.
i know what i hope to accomplish.
i know that i must be steadfast. that i can do all things through the One who can give me the strength to do it.
…that i can…
dream my way right around any roadblocks today–real or imagined and extend my imagination into the vast realm of possibilities…
may it be so.
55. they have my back